ghosts like me

There was an ad in the volunteer section of the Classifieds in See Magazine the past couple of issues for a volunteer ghost writer to help a brain injured woman write the story of her life. I feel that volunteering for such a task could either be the most wonderful experience of my life, OR absolute hell.

I wish I could just make decisions. Do I want to do it? Do I not want to do it? Sometimes I feel like waiting for signs to do things, and then I remember that I am in charge of the decisions I make.

I guess I could just call and find out the details.

any secret:

"If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: the sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can. & there is nothing more to it than that."
-- Nothing More, storypeople.com

I love storypeople! Every day they send me something cool. Today was no exception.

let's

Let's commit some time to be happy. Let's commit some time in our lives to appreciate what we have to give to those who don't. Let's stop being so caught up in our own problems that perspective becomes an intangible object that we'll never get back.

I'm just saying. It's starting to wear me down.

better things

"I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do."
-- Dark Garden, storypeople.com

I have better things to do.

that which is bigger than myself

Here are some things I believe:

I believe in the purposeful, intelligent creation of the universe, of all of the galaxies, of our own galaxy and solar system, and most importantly: the creation of every living thing on this planet. I think I am actually physically incapable of regarding nature and the way it interacts with itself – an enormous, worldwide system – and conceiving that it arrived at its current state by mistake. The human body is so purposefully precise and exactly what we need. We have minds. We have the ability to consider our own existence, while animals do not. How could we have descended from microscopic beings? We are pure potential. I’m not capable of believing that the earth is many billions of years old. We were created on purpose. Nelson Mandela says, “we were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us. It’s in everyone.” I agree.

Because I believe that we were created, I believe in God. I don’t believe in God in the lame, vague way that many people believe in God. I don’t think it’s appropriate to throw around testaments of faith when you’re only choosing aspects of God to believe in. Because I don’t think you should loosely believe that the most powerful, all-knowing and omnipresent presiding force exists. I think you should believe all of it.

I believe that most religions on earth are all worshipping the same God. God has many names, translated in many languages. Similarly, the Holy Spirit has many names as well. The entering of a powerful force into your heart is the act of the Holy Spirit. In Chinese, this experience is called chi. Just because they call it something else doesn’t make it a different being. However, there is one aspect that no religion besides Christianity will accept. It is the fact that the only way to truly get to God and to go to heaven when you die is through Jesus Christ. So many people are so afraid of being restricted that they reject this germane aspect of a relationship with God right away. I’ve never thought more that it is a genuine fear of being contained that makes human beings reject the idea of Jesus. Ironically, that is how we were created. We were created with huge potential to grow up and out and in every direction. We were created with free will to do as we please. People just don’t understand that accepting Jesus is literally accepting freedom. People don’t understand that we are free in Christ. I know it sounds really “religious” of me to say things like this, but I can’t help but believe it’s true.

I believe in God. I believe that the Bible is “God-breathed.” He inspired every word of it. If I believe these things, then I have to believe in the Jesus-is-the-only-path-to-God aspect. Jesus didn’t used to be the only way to God. It wasn’t until about two thousand years ago, when we crucified him, and he paid for our sins and made us perfect in the eyes of God that he became the only way. Heaven is perfect. There can be no imperfection there. We, as human beings, no matter how enlightened or transcendent we become, will never be perfect. Therefore, we must accept the gift of God: a way to make ourselves perfect and thus receive eternal life.

Being a good person and doing good things while you are on earth is important, I think. If you have the means and the desire to beneficial to a greater purpose than just living out your life as society expects and then dying equally predictably, then you should do it. God wants people to be happy. Since so many people don’t believe in Him, He can’t make them happy. That’s why He uses human beings to do good things. To help people. To help the environment that he created. To spread His love. Some people are spreading His love without even realizing it, or even considering that He exists. I find this beautiful. However, contrary to popular belief, I think that doing good things will not get you into heaven. You could live a fantastic life, but if you never accept God and his Way (Jesus), then how can you go live in His perfect place?

I think that we, as human beings, are genuinely good. We are born with the potential to do fantastic things. Because of the environment that we created with poor choices based on our free will, some very bad people are doing very bad things. But I have trouble believing that even as innocent infants, those people were bad. I think we’re all good to start out with, and the course of our lives based on our decisions and other people’s decisions determine the type of people we become.

I believe that there are some terribly ineffectual Christians in the world who feel that testimony is a crusade. I call these people “turn-or-burn”-Christians. Fire and brimstone, inflexible, closed little minds. These are the people that turn people off of believing in God, and sometimes I wish they would just shut the hell up. I mean, seriously. Shut up. You’re ruining it for everyone with your insanely religious mumbo-jumbo. Remember that other human beings have minds and feelings and free will, and you can’t control that.

I believe all of these things because I have to. I cannot even imagine living the life that I have lived feeling like there is no purpose in any of it. Feeling like I came to be out of a colossal crapshoot of life-formation. It’s the purposelessness of life without the belief in something bigger than myself that allows me to maintain faith, even in the darkest of times. And I have gone through some pretty dark times. It’s the wonder that stirs up inside of me every time I take a drive through the country and witness the perfect system of wilderness that exists in nature that brings me back to a little reverence for the being that created what was meant at first to be a utopian paradise. There are little pieces of paradise left that human beings haven’t trampled. I think we should look around once in a while and respect that.

Those things are not the only things I believe in. The list could go on. Here’s one last thing that Nelson Mandela said:

“As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”

But I’m still working on that.

auld lang syne

I felt sad during the second hour of 2008. I wasn't going to admit it because I thought it would put a curse or a jinx or something on the whole year, but I decided that it's important to note.

Eric was grouchy, for one thing. He lay sideways on my bed with his jacket still on, because he didn't want to stay for more than two minutes. His negative energy made me feel weird and sad. I think I was crying a little.

"I feel weird about us," he said with his eyes closed. He wonders if I love us or just the idea of him, or actually just him. He has never said this before.

Meanwhile, I could feel the joints in my spine seizing up. My hips sore and inflamed. I felt sad and in physical pain, at the same time. The pain subsided this morning and I wonder if the two -- the sadness and the pain -- are connected at all.

I go to school with a girl who is a journeyman welder-slash-stripper-slash-liscenced hypnotherapist. She says positive thinking and positive experiences effect physical ailments for the better. Here's something about her: she has ankylosing spondilitis too. She feels the same pain, inflammation, stiffness and achiness that I feel.

She thinks that the disease can be managed with drugs, but also with unconventional methods, like positive thinking and a well-balanced life. I sort of believe her.

But then again, Tanya was the most positive person I knew, and she passed away from her disease.

And that's a little chunk of negativity that follows me around like a shadow. It's hard to make it go away, and (as weird as it is) I almost don't want to. It's a sort of badge of honour that I can use to prove that I have been through something monumental. It's a reason I can give for being the way that I am. And it is simultaneously proof that I have not -- can not?-- overcome.

I would rather not have it at all. I would rather have my wisest, most positive friend be with me in life, telling me not to be negative and helping me make plans. I don't want a badge of honour that I can use to prove my experience with. I don't want a nagging shadow of negativity.

I want 2008 to be a year when I blossom into the world as my freest, most charismatic self. The year when I gain back my lost resilience. The year when I effect change, rather than just let life happen to me.

I have a friend who likes to ask if you are the driver in the car of your life, or if you are just a passenger. Some of us are passengers who give directions. In a way, we are all driving, whether we like it or not.

I don't know for sure who I want to be, which is the hardest part.

So I'm going to read books and drink coffee out of large, satisfying mugs. I'm going to ride horses and drive all over the province. I'm going to slog through another semester and come out more wise. I am going to stop sounding like a motivational speaker when I discuss my goals.

I liked my New Years Eve -- I like my friends, and greek food, and martinis and shots with girly-sounding names like Apple Pie. I like group hugs at midnight and ten million disposable camera pictures. It wasn't the night's fault that I was sad between 1:00 and 2:00 AM. I don't know whose fault it was, really. Just the accumulation of like experience and self-doubt, I guess.

But here's something cool that I read in "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a quote from her friend Bob, who is a neuroscientist and student of yoga:

"Just as there exists in writing a literal truth and a poetic truth, there also exists in a human being a literal anatomy and a poetic anatomy. One, you can see; one, you cannot. One is a made of bones and teeth and flesh; the other is made of energy and memory and faith. But they are both equally true."

Happy New Year.