ghost of a good thing

Today while I drove home from the lake I listened to a CD I haven't listened to in a very long time. Eric made it for me, two summers ago, before we were dating. We'd just had a huge fight in the laundry room at the ranch, and he gave it to me as an "I'm sorry" kind of thing. And the very first time I ever drove home from the lake by myself, on an early Sunday morning, I listened to it. And fell in love with it (and consequently, more in love with the boy as well).

It reminds me of a different time in my life. When I was younger, and had no inkling of the profound ways that my life was going to change in the next year. I would have braced myself for the impact if I'd known.

So the songs on that CD remind me also of the leaves changing in autumn, and of living simply in my tiny dorm room, wearing two sweaters to work and being able to see more clearly because September air in the country feels thinner and purer. The smell of dying leaves and watching my breath hang in the air in front of my face on the road to the main lodge.

Of listening to it while doing my hair and choosing what I'd wear to her bridal shower. Of tires crunching over the leaves that blow across the long driveway on the way into town on the day of her wedding. Of thinking that everything was completely fine.

Then listening to it today, on the highway, and thinking that everything didn't turn out fine. Everything was fine for those few months. I was living in such an in-between state of perfect content. I got up early, ate a good breakfast, worked outside, breathed country air into my lungs, cozied up with big cups of tea at night. Rode horses through the falling leaves of the trees in the back pasture. Watched one of the most important people in my life get married and live happily ever after.

And then things changed, in every possible way, and while I sometimes think about going back to that life I had, I know that things will never be the same. I can’t keep wondering whether or not I’d be able to just go live that life forever.

Why can’t I ever move away from who I once was?