validation

As a result of the 3 AM almost-break-in to our hotel room the other night, I've been tired for the past two days. I can't get ahold of myself, and I'm assuming the whole sleepless nights thing is the reason. Am I just too tired to process my own feelings?

I feel disappointed in my abilities and accomplishments, and I've never said that out loud, really. Well, I've never said that out loud in any specific way that goes beyond vague ranting between friends on long car rides. But I can pinpoint the things I feel that I lack, and instead of fixing my own problems, I sought validation from those around me. Of course, they didn't know I was looking for some sort of validation in terms of my abilities and success, so I didn't get what I wanted from them and I just assumed that meant that they agreed with me. That they were agreeing with my own distorted view of myself.

Were they?

I wish that I could read other people's minds from time to time. I wish that I didn't need other people to tell me that I'm fantastic in order for me to think that I am. Why should I need encouragement to feel like I've really achieved anything? Shouldn't my own sense of self-worth just be enough?

I am introspective at work today. I like being introspective, but it's not a good use of time right now. I am way behind.