secrets

There are a lot of things that I am not willing to admit out loud. I mull over them in my head when I lie awake at night, or when I am on my constant commute to and from the west end. Things that I like to keep a secret from my own ears. Once they hit the air they'll be true, and I'd prefer if they weren't.

Things like the fact that it's not getting better. Missing her. Feeling physically sad about the lack of her presence in my life. It feels like there's a string tied to my heart that leads straight out the front of my chest, and she's holding the string, and she's so far away. So far away that my heart wants to press itself against my rib cage, come right out of my body, and fly away to be closer to her. Sometimes, when I'm doing trivial tasks, like tying my shoes, or washing my hair I suddenly think, "I can't believe she died. It doesn't make sense. She was there. She had permanence. And now, it's all gone."

Today I used company resources to make dozens of copies of the newsletter she used to put out at the barn. Reading through her honest, straightforward writing and reminiscing about how thoroughly and perfectly she did her job made the string on my heart tighten. Thinking about Beau and his recent death made the string tighten. Thinking about my own horse, unridden, makes the string tighten.

I feel guilty for not being more motivated. She was motivated. She motivated me. She helped me make plans and move forward and decide things. I'm not good at any of those three. I wish I could just feel motivated to ride and train and be the athlete that I was when she was there to encourage me.

And my constant longing for my wisest friend to be back in my life, or at least back on earth in someone else's life isn't even the only thing. I am feeling this winter in bones. Every day, I wish it would just stop. I think I'd be a lot happier if I wasn't worrying about plugging in my car and shoveling the driveway. I think I'd be a lot more motivated if going outside weren't such an ordeal. And I am feeling the strain and drag of long-term relationships. Of having the exact same arguments where we each say the exact same thing that we did all the other times, and coming up with no solution. Why?

And I am feeling the exhaustion of another semester at school. It feels like my life energy is being pulled down towards my feet and into the ground. It feels like I don't have the right words for the right assignments. I feel stressed out about it, but at the same time, I feel like calling it quits. Just for a little while. Just for a few months. Just to regroup. Just to rejuvenate. Just something. I am feeling trapped within the life that I've been chosing. This school-work-school-work-ride-school-work life that I've mapped out for myself for the next few years.

And so it's just a few little things that nag at me constantly that are beginning to wear me down. And I could really use a nice, long nap and a hot shower and an all-inclusive Costa Rican resort.