where these dreams go

and you wonder where these dreams go
cause the world got in your way

I feel derailed, sometimes. And sometimes "sometimes" approaches "all the time," and that's when I just want to curl up under the covers and quit everything in my life. Just close my eyes and forget about responsibility. Forget about the part of myself that went missing one early summer's day and never came back. Fill that dark, shadowy part of myself with years and years of calm, peaceful sleep.

We had so many plans. We are so different from the people we were becoming, back then, before she passed away and everything changed. If she were still here, I'd be eventing pre-training by now. I'd look forward to riding and growing. LB would be showing at recognized dressage shows. LU would be the confident, aggressive rider that she was when Tanya was there to encourage her. Dani would still be riding. These aren't guesses or extrapolations; these were our goals. These were the tracks we were on -- the tracks we decided together to be on, and then we crashed and got scattered in a million different directions.

I spend every day torn between feeling like I could never be the person I was on the way to being, and feeling an intense desire not to disappoint her by being lacklustre and scared to live my life. Where does that leave me? I think about that long drive through the prairies, talking about the future. Picking out show names. Discussing how fun it will be when all of our horses are going, when we could all show together. Feeling glad to be part of a team. Feeling proud of ourselves and excited for the future.

I am scared to do the event next weekend. I've been trying to be excited about it, but I am nervous and scared, because sometimes when I drive home from the barn after a lesson with someone else, I wonder if I can even do it without her. I wonder if I'm just too different now. And then I immediately become scared of disappointing her, so I fill in the forms and mail off the entry. And I want to go light the mailbox on fire to destroy the form.

Why can't we go back to the people we were becoming? I was so happy to be going down that track. Now I'm somewhere so far away.